


Perfume

by dainochild



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist, Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, I Don't Even Know, Tumblr Ask Box Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-20
Updated: 2012-07-20
Packaged: 2017-11-14 03:51:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/511014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dainochild/pseuds/dainochild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ed wakes up in a strange world with a boy named Ash whose happy face is marked with 'Z's and eyes filled with the screaming of a hundred thousand souls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Perfume

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zazp](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Zazp).



> Prompt was 'Ash/Ed! Perfume!' but I couldn't bring myself to write Ash in a relationship with Edward Elric of all people. So this happened instead.

The entire land smelt like Hohenheim’s perfume. The same scent that had lingered around Ed’s house in Resembool for years after the bastard had walked out on Mum. It was the same scent that that bastard power freak Father-of-Homunculi-with-a-god-complex had carried.

Ed didn’t know what had happened. The one the homunculi called Father hadn’t succeeded in his plan; the souls of Amestris had returned to their own bodies (Ed hated to admit it, but that bastard family-ditcher had known what he was doing and maybe he was justified in leaving them to do that), but he’d still eaten the world’s Gate or… Ed didn’t even know. In truth, all he’d really heard was ‘Here’s another fuckwit abusing alchemy whose arse you have to kick’.

That was what Ed had planned. His last memory was running at the fuckwit, and then…

He woke up here. In a field that reeked of that fucking putrid perfume. With a giant yellow mouse sniffing him. Unable to move because his body hurt so fucking much.

The giant yellow mouse also smelt like that fucking putrid perfume.

“PIKACHU!” a shrill, girly voice cried. “WAIT UP, PIKACHU!”

It was a kid, not a whole lot younger than Ed, with tanned skin, spiky black hair and ‘Z’s on his cheeks. His eyes were, at first glance, brown, but when Ed looked closer he could’ve sworn he saw thousands and thousands of people crying out in agony within those dead eyes.

“Hi, I’m Ash, from Pallet Town!” the kid declared. “Are you a Pokémon Trainer too?”

Ed stared in disbelief. “Kid, I have no fuckin’ idea what the hell you’re on about, but everything in this place reeks of perfume.”

And then Ed passed out again.

It turned out he had a bolt stuck in his arm and several fractured ribs. That’s what the kindly pink-haired nurse told him when Ed woke up in a hospital, the freaky kid named Ash (did he want to watch the world burn or something?) and his giant yellow rat sitting nearby.

“What happened to you?” Ash asked.

“No clue,” Ed grunted. “The hell is this, anyway? I was kind of in the middle of handling an emergency in Amestris.”

“Unova!” chirped the freaky kid. “I came here with my Mom and her friend, Professor Oak, who gave me my best friend in the world — Pikachu!”

“Pipikapi!”

Ed frowned. “The hell kind of chimera —?”

The nurse suddenly spoke up. “Amestris. I remember that. I have a Ph.D in Ancient History, you see, I got it at the same time as my nursing. That’s what Unova used to be called, before the Tao Trouble.”

Ed stared.

The nurse smiled.

The freaky kid smiled.

“So what you’re sayin’ is,” Ed slowly said, “that I’m supposed to be in some future version of Amestris where that fuckwit won and there’s chimeras everywhere? And I’m supposed to believe this?”

“Right!” Ash chirped.

The nurse smiled.

The freaky kid smiled.

Ed groaned. Everything was too freaky, and everything smelt like that fucking perfume, Ed couldn’t even handle it.

“I don’t want to see this,” he groaned. “Some weird shit is going on, I don’t even get it, so I bet everyone’s gonna be like ‘Hey Elric, chill, it’s QUANTUM PHYSICS’, but fuck quantum physics, ‘s bullshit.” He pointed his automail at the kid. “You. You’ve got a philosopher’s stone in you. Moral objects aside, I can’t take another fucking minute in this… this…  _happy terror_ , so I’m usin’ it to get back to reality, not whatever this is,  _there’s fucking chimeras everywhere that’d never be reality_ , and punch that fuckwit  _so hard_  that he explodes. Ya got that?”

The freaky kid’s smile became a freaky grin. “You figured it out so soon, Fullmetal?” The room was fading to darkness around them. So it was all psychological. “Well, that won’t help you much. I am the eighth of Father’s children, the most powerful homunculus of all, a sin so deadly that nobody’s even heard of it!” He pulled off his glove and stretched out the palm of his hand to reveal an ouroboros tattoo. “I am Acedia, the Ultimate Delusion, and you are in my world now!”

“Right, right,” Ed boredly said. “So what you’re sayin’ is you’re so weak, you don’t even make the official list.” He chuckled. “Pretty sure I can handle that, what with how close to fracturin’ your daddy’s skull I was, and how easily I took out your big brother Pride.”

“I wonder if you haven’t become the new Pride and are yet to realise it.” Acedia, Ash, you know, it kind of made sense, similar names and all.

“Don’t start with that,” Ed growled. He clapped his hands, the circle running through his mind as he transmuted his arm into a blade. “We’re nothing alike. I  _get shit done_.”

“Pikachu!” Acedia called to the giant yellow rat. “Do your thing.”

The fucking rat ran at Ed. Ed thought the best thing to do was to kick it in the face with his automail leg.

“You can’t do that!” Acedia cried. “This is  _my_  world, we do things  _my_  way, or we don’t do them at all, so we have to  _battle pokémon_!”

“Battle your made-up chimeras?” Ed reiterated. “No way! I do my own fighting!”

Acedia whined. Loudly.

“All moral objections are gone,” Ed deadpanned. He clapped his hand, the circle that would bring him home running through his mind. He slammed his hands against Acedia’s chest, alchemy reaching through to his stone as the homunculus wailed…

Ed opened his eyes. The fuckwit was leaning over him, face sober.

“I apologise for your having to put up with Acedia,” he said. “Even Gods as wonderous as I make mistakes sometimes.”

All Ed could smell was the putrid perfume of the philosopher’s stone.

**Author's Note:**

> Took about 40 minutes to write.
> 
> I am aware that the perfume thing is only in the 2003 anime and references rotting bodies, but that’s all I can ever think of when linking Ed and perfume, so.
> 
> And Acedia was historically a Deadly Sin! It was a form of listlessness and later came to be merged with Sloth. Dante considers it to be not loving God enough, but we all know Dante was kind of a freak. From what I understand of it, the monks used to become listless due to their reclusive lifestyle giving them depressive problems. And that was a sin! Kind of sucks, huh. Anyway, even though Vainglory suits Ash more than Acedia, I went with Acedia cos it doesn’t sound as stupid.
> 
> Plus it amuses me to think that Father purged his acedia and still just sits around smirking in his throne.


End file.
